Miscarriage is one of the most devastating experiences any woman can go through. I know, I have had several. My heart was broken and I thought I would never heal emotionally. But time, the love of family and friends, and other experiences bring hope and eventually emotional healing to us.
Sarah: “Mother, Don’t Be Sad”
A few months ago while some of our grandchildren were visiting us, we watched one of my favorite movies, The Blue Bird. It features Shirley Temple and is from the novel of the same name by Maurice Maeterlinck. The movie shows a group of children leaving their home in heaven. Many of them are excited to come to earth, some are anxious about leaving their friends, others fear coming. Then we hear what is called “the sound of gladness,”… the songs of their mothers on earth coming out to meet them. The love of their mothers overcame fear and drew all of the children to earth. Feeling the power of this beautiful scene, I thought of two of my children whom I conceived but who were lost through miscarriage.
Over time, I have gained understanding from a spiritual perspective of what I went through with their loss.
I was in my early forties and a few weeks pregnant when the whole family took a short drive to the Arizona desert for an outing. Something reminded us of an old western song with the lyrics “the tumbling tumble weeds.” We began singing along to the words as best we could remember. It was a happy family moment and I paused to feel the joy of it. I could feel my unborn child’s spirit near, enjoying the moment with us and then I heard these words in my mind, “My name is Mariah.” I was surprised. That was a name I had never considered. I felt her joyful spirit, kind of a carefree whimsical personality. I was delighted to feel her near and this experience was like a confirmation that she was on her way.
Everything seemed to be going well when a few weeks later at the doctor’s office, it was confirmed to me that the baby had died. I was numb and heartbroken. I feared I had done something wrong.
Months later, my grief was lifted when I conceived again. I was very aware to be extra protective of my health and went to the doctor right away. He assured me that everything was normal and I should have a healthy pregnancy. I proceeded with faith and optimism, and felt a quiet assurance that this child was Daniel.
I thought that I was doing so well, but weeks later I was totally heartbroken to find myself in the process of miscarriage again. The doctor allowed my body to proceed on its own for a short time before he had me come into his office. During a very dark and lonely night with my daughter, Laura, sleeping by my side to attend to me, I sensed my son Daniel standing in my room. In my mind’s eye I could see that he was a young man, tall and slender, with a great holiness to his countenance. He was there to bring me a message of comfort that he delivered to my mind and heart.
“Mother, don’t be sad. It wasn’t my mission to ever stay very long with you. If I had stayed long enough to be born, I would have had health problems and would have died as a young infant. Knowing the grief this would have caused you, I asked and was given permission to go home to my Heavenly Father earlier than originally planned. Mother, I am yours and Dad’s eternally and will never be given to another. My mission is to watch over you and the family and I have a special stewardship with your writing. All is well, mother. Don’t fear. Don’t worry.”
I appreciated the message. It helped ease my grief, but I still struggled with a deep sense of loss.
A few months later, on a day when my grief welled up, I felt impressed to contact an elderly and spiritually gifted friend, Marie. I called her and explained that I was searching for relief from my heartache of loosing two children. She invited me to visit her. When I arrived, she greeted me with these words, “You have brought your son and daughter with you.”
I sat down and the tears began to flow. “Why are they here?” I said. “Well, they have a message for you”, she tenderly commented. “They have been trying to speak to you, but your grief has been so deep they couldn’t get through. Now, listen to them and be comforted.”
Marie encouraged me to ask for and receive my own answers from God regarding my miscarriages. I followed her loving advice and encouragement. In answer to my prayers, I felt impressed that Mariah has a bright and bubbly personality, like a cheerleader, and will be born to one of our daughters. I held this understanding in my heart and though we had talked with the children about Mariah, after the miscarriage, I did not share these more recent feelings of Mariah’s future with anyone except my husband.
A few years ago, after my time for bearing children had passed, our daughter Sarah Rebekah came to me and shared impressions she was having. She said, “Mom, I feel I will have Mariah.” I had never told her of my experience.
After bearing two choice little boys, Becky recently scheduled an ultra sound with her third pregnancy. She has very difficult pregnancies with complications so severe this may be her last opportunity to have a little girl. However, we all anticipated another boy because pregnancy tests had indicated male. We eagerly awaited her phone call regarding the results.
Finally the call came, “Mom, can you meet me at the yogurt shop, I have to see you in person.” I jumped in the car and raced (within the speed limit) to our rendezvous. Soon Becky parked her car and climbed out with her two little boys. She walked up to me stone-faced and handed me two ultra sound pictures—the first labeled “Girl.” the second “Sister.”
Becky broke into the biggest grin you ever saw with a joyous shout, “Mom, can you believe it?”
Emma Mariah is now here and we all rejoice! Pictures coming soon!
The plan of God is a marvelous and mysterious thing.
As for Daniel, I have felt continued reassurance that his spirit was too holy to stay on this earth. His mission was always to return quickly to heaven and the few months that his little body was growing under my heart were all that he needed. As he told me, he belongs to Brent and I and will not be given to another.
Over the years, on a few occasions, I have seen Daniel in our home. One time when Brent and I were working on a manuscript, Brent called me into his office to read to me what he had written. I was so touched by the beauty of the words that I said an unusual little prayer in my mind, “Did an angel help him write this?” As instantly as I had uttered the prayer, there was Daniel. He was a tall and slender young man dressed in white, standing behind Brent who was seated at his desk. Daniel’s hands were on his father’s shoulders. He was looking straight ahead at the computer, as if he were speaking words to his father as Brent wrote them.
As I watched Daniel, he turned his head and looked at me. There was a face that had no cares of the world on it, a beautiful face of an eternal spirit. He spoke to me, mind to mind, of the love he had for his dad. It was a humble expression of the love of a son for his father. I was moved to tears and hugs for Brent.
And then, to my gaze, he was gone.
As I write this, I can say honestly that I am at peace concerning these children. But it took time and much reflection. I had to ponder, pray, and be open to seek my own healing.
For me, the dearest feelings of my heart are for my family and my children, my greatest gifts from my Father in Heaven. To have them return to Him so soon, before I could hold them in my arms, seemed like the greatest test for me. I have learned that whether they are here or in heaven, each child and grandchild is a precious gift of God.
Heaven’s timing is different for each of God’s children, so there is no “one size fits all.” We each have to seek for our own answers. If you have had a miscarriage or lost a child to death, trust that you can confidently approach God in prayer and ask for comfort and understanding about your child. After all, your child was God’s child first. He knows all about the pain of losing a child and will help you find comfort if you sincerely ask for His help. My faith in God tells me that comfort will come for all of us if we earnestly seek it
It has been my experience that answers and healing come the quickest when we ask God one important question: “What do you want me to learn from this?”
I believe this is a question He wants to answer. Answers can come in many ways, sooner or later. Our job is to be faithful and open. It helps to practice regular prayer, gratitude, love and forgiveness for self and others.
One of the key messages of PBEs is that our children are never actually “lost.” Some children may simply go Home to heaven a little sooner than the rest of us. And since our turn will one day come, we can be absolutely sure that we will see them again at a joyful reunion just the other side of death’s door when our life missions are complete.
Because of my need to be healed, I sought after and studied various healing programs that assisted me in overcoming emotional pain. Now I offer coaching and recovery programs to men and women who are suffering abortion or miscarriage loss, infertility, and many other issues. Please see my web site www.sarahhinze.com and check under Work with Sarah. I meet with people in my home office or via phone.
Please e-mail me for firther information at : firstname.lastname@example.org